


Where's My Love

by KyloInTheSheets



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Dark, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Hospitals, Kidnapping, Love Letters, Pain Train, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Very triggering, all aboard the pain train enjoy ur ride, because i am a fluff goddess, but i will supply you with a happy ending, but the fluff and smut comes at the end, snoke is a whore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:27:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25006921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KyloInTheSheets/pseuds/KyloInTheSheets
Summary: Rey considered ending it all a few times. After all, what is there to live for when her fiancé - the love of her life - goes missing without any clues as to where he is.Or if he's even alive.———Listen to “Where’s My Love” by SYML. Chapter names are lyrics from the song.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Reylo
Comments: 20
Kudos: 96





	1. Did You Run Away?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey starts living a life without Ben. Except, it's not really much of a life.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Self-harm
> 
> A/N: Please know that harming yourself is never the answer and there's always someone ready to talk, including me. If you're having thoughts of hurting yourself, PLEASE call a hotline to talk or seek out help. Once again, if any of the tags listed above trigger you in any sort of way, please don't read this fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to this lovely (actually it's not lovely, it's sad) little four shot. I'll update very soon so stay tuned. :)
> 
> **PLEASE READ TAGS. IF ANY OF THEM MAY BOTHER YOU, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS FIC.**

**DECEMBER 2019**

At first she thought he left her. It was hard to believe since she never noticed any discomfort radiating off him when they were together. They were beyond happy, or at least she thought so. In the one and a half years that they'd known each other, most of it was spent together. Immediately there was a connection between them. Like there was always a spark hovering around the two and when they met, the firework went off. And with that, establishing a relationship so unbelievably strong that it was torture to be without the other for prolonged periods of time.

Within those eighteen months however, the most recent four months had been the best of her life, with him asking for her hand in marriage back in August. If she were ever asked what the best day of her life was, she wouldn't have to think twice about it.

He'd taken her on a pretty last-minute vacation to Costa Rica. She was suspicious of his motives for taking her the farthest away from home she'd ever been. And to a place _that_ beautiful. But why _exactly_ , she didn't know.

Yet.

**AUGUST 2019 - FOUR MONTHS PRIOR**

_After an exquisite dinner at a restaurant that Rey didn't know he could even afford, Ben led them down to the beach. For some reason he insisted that she stay in her expensive, navy dress he bought her. He also remained in a suit and tie which gained a few stares._

_They walked for a while, hand in hand, watching the sun fade below the dusty pink and orange horizon. Rey glanced between their swinging intertwined hands and her toes disappearing into the sand with every step._

_When the sun was almost down and the sky was the perfect tint of orange, Ben halted in his tracks. Rey's brows furrowed and looked up at him in confusion, their fingers still locked together with no key in sight that was available to separate them. He only returned her gaze with a small smile that reached his eyes immediately. Without any words, he slowly lowered himself to one knee. If he cared in the slightest that the leg of his pants was ruining, he didn't show it._

_He reached to the interior of his jacket and pulled out a small velvet box. Rey knew what this was now. She didn't even notice the tears already streaking her face until she clasped her hands in front of her mouth and felt them._

_"Rey..."_

_Her breath hitched at the sound of her name from his throat. It still got her every time even after knowing him for almost two years._

_"I was in such a dark place before I met you. There was no light in my life and I didn't think there ever would be. I think I can honestly say that you saved my life. You saved me from what I don't know what would've become of me. I was drowning in my work and loneliness. And then you walked into work like a literal ray of sunshine over me. I praise myself everyday for having the courage to get to know you, because it's the best decision I've ever made and I'm positive it'll stay that way. I can't imagine a life without you now, and I think it's because you are my life. So, Rey Niima... will you take a step further into life with me and do me the honor of being your husband?"_

_He popped open the box to reveal an elegant ring with a circular stone in the center. It was a sight unlike she'd ever seen before. The man she's been desperately in love with since pretty much the day they met, on his knee, asking for her hand in marriage, in the most beautiful place she's ever been. It was everything she saw in movies, but she never really believed those moments ever existed in real life._

_She realized that Ben was waiting for her answer, but she didn't think she really had to say it. The tears kept coming and there was a hopeful glint in Ben's eye wit_ h a completely unforced smile on his face.

_Finally, Rey gathered herself just enough to blurt out the word he needed to hear._

_"Yes, yes of course I'll marry you Ben!"_

_His smile only grew wider as he stood and drew her hand from her side. He slid the ring onto her fourth finger and it couldn't have fit better. Rey distantly heard the low applause around them from bystanders who witnessed the scene. She was sure her face would be sore the next day from the smile on her face that grew by the second._

_Ben wrapped on arm around her and pulled her flush to his chest. She squealed when he picked her up with ease and spun her around. How he could hold her up with one arm for this long, she didn't know. But it was one of the millions of things she loved about him. She brought up her ringed hand to his face and caressed his cheek before she leaned down slightly and pressed her lips to his soft ones. The kiss was slow and tender, yet the context of the scene made it the best one they'd ever shared._

**DECEMBER 2019**

To this day, it was still the best.

Rey wanted nothing more than to kiss him like that again and the feeling only intensified when she realized he hadn't in fact left her.

That morning - the one after the night where he didn't come home - when she exited their apartment building, she found his phone lying face-down on the sidewalk. He wouldn't leave her intentionally without his phone, especially in this much of a random spot.

She picked it up and her heart immediately broke a little more when it turned on and revealed his wallpaper of her on the beach from their infamous Costa Rica trip. It was then she knew that he was in serious trouble - and that he may never come back.

Somehow she was able to make it back inside before she began sobbing uncontrollably. As soon as the door closed she leaned against it and slid to the floor, burying her face between her knees. She tried to convince herself that he was okay. That maybe he went out and dropped his phone without realizing it. The thought was doubtful, as Ben wasn't an extremely outgoing guy. He always _preferred_ to stay in. Deep down she knew he wasn't okay.

**———**

After 24 hours she called the police and filed a missing person report, which she did between rounds of crying. Late in the afternoon she decided to call Rose, her best friend, to update her on the extremely heart-shattering unfortunate situation. There were really no words for the dark pit her heart had plunged into.

Rose came over without hesitation and knocked on her door within ten minutes. It took a great amount of strength for Rey to pry herself from the couch to answer the door. Rose and Ben had actually been pretty close, in fact, Rose was the on who introduced them to each other. They worked together and brought Ben up to Rey during a company party that she accompanied Rose to about a year and a half ago. She was really someone to thank for their relationship.

Not even seconds after she opened the door, Rose threw herself into Rey's arms. The two stayed like that for a while, silent tears leaking out of Rey's eyes and onto her best friend's shoulder. After a few minutes Rose pulled away and Rey gestured for her to come in.

Rey sulked back over to the exact spot on the couch she sat at minutes ago, her body still slightly imprinted in the cushion. Rose followed and plopped down next to her, letting out a heavy sigh as she did so. They sat in silence for several minutes, just both of them staring into nothing. Rose was the one to break the unbearable quiet eventually.

"Tell me everything." Her voice was low and bland. Rose was devastated, but it was nothing compared to what Rey felt.

It took her a few seconds, but eventually Rey found her words.

"Two days ago. On the uh.. the 21st. He went to work. I didn't see him that morning, he left early for some reason."

Rey hugged herself tight, clinching the hand-written note he had left her that morning. It was something she loved about him. How he'd just be leaving her for the day and still took the time to write out something for her to see when she woke up. It felt so intimate. Only this time, he didn't leave for _just the day_. He just.. left.

"And then he just..." She paused, swallowing her tears. "He never came home," she finally let out a sob. Rose scooted closer to her and enveloped her into a hug. When Rey finally took control of herself for the time being, she pulled away to finish her story.

"I called and texted a bunch, never hearing back of course. And it made sense when because yesterday I found his phone outside," she gestured to his cell sitting on the side table. "Something is really wrong, Rose, I know it." She said, finally meeting the teary eyes of her best friend. "And the worst part is, I can't do anything to help him. I don't know where he is or if he's even okay." Rey paused and took a deep breath before she continued her rant, but this time it was more near a shout than a calm tone.

"I don't know where he is, Rose. I don't know if he's fine, he could be fucking _dead_ for all I know."

"Rey don't say that, it's only been a couple days-"

" _He wouldn't leave me, he wouldn't leave me._.." Rey chanted, muttering mostly to herself.

"I know, I know, I just want you to calm down before you work yourself into a panic.."

"A panic? Rose, I'm _panicking_. I knew something wasn't right when he wasn't home at the usual time. I should've fucking done something. I could've-I could've got to him maybe..." Her voice broke at the last sentence.

"Rey, what could you have done. Truly?"

She paused and they sat in silence for the third time since Rose first got to her apartment. There probably was nothing Rey could've done to help him, had she even known he was in trouble. Yet she still couldn't shake the feeling of guilt that coated her body.

"Anything," she murmured.

Rose let out a heavy sigh, obviously in distress. All she could do now was comfort her friend, basically sister, the best she could. Rey likely would feel no comfort, as would nobody in this situation, but she could still try.

"I'm gonna say this again because I love you and I need you to hear me," Rose turned towards her and took her hands, clasping them firmly. "There's still no evidence that he's in serious trouble. He hasn't been gone long and he would come back to you if it was the last thing he'd ever do." She sucked in a heavy breath before she spoke the hard part, but Rey needed to hear it. "And Rey, if for some reason he doesn't come back..." Her hands tensed already as she continued, "...I don't want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. I know it'll hurt for a while and maybe forever, but eventually you'll have to accept it-"

"I thought you believed he was okay." Rey's voice was low as she spoke.

"I-I do. I just want to prepare you just in case-"

"NO," Rey interrupted again. "You don't get it, this isn't like him at all! He wouldn't leave me, he _wouldn't_. Not without telling me where he went. He loves me. He always comes home! He wouldn't leave his goddamn phone just sitting on the concrete outside!" She didn't know if she was trying to convince Rose or herself.

"I get that, I do. I care for him so much, too. He's one of my closest friends and I think he would want us to stay calm-"

"Exactly Rose! He's your _friend_. He's not the love of your life, he's not your soulmate, he's not the man you're supposed to marry soon! He's not the man you close your eyes and wake up with, he's not the one fucking person you need to survive! He's not the guy who makes you feel beyond safe, and loved, and protected, Rose. He is _none_ of those to you so don't act like you know how I feel." Her breath shuddered.

Rey looked at Rose finally, and was only met with the saddened expression displayed on her face and in her eyes.

"Imagine if it were Finn." Rey concluded. Rose's breath hitched at the thought of her boyfriend being in Ben's situation. They sat in a room of silence again as neither one of them had anything to say that would improve the mood.

"Okay," Rose complied. "Okay you're right I'm sorry Rey. I may not be feeling exactly like you are, I may not be in as much pain. But I need you to remember who Ben is. He is strong and courageous and would be damned before he let anything or anyone stand in his way of getting back to you. He's gonna come home." Rose pressed her forehead to Rey's.

She let Rose's words sink in, yet they still seemed doubtful. Ben would be the last person on Earth not to come back home to her. They were each other's person. Both of them had struggled with abandonment in their past, so when they both found belonging with the other, it was like a light cast a brightness on their lives. They lived to be with the other. It was safe for Rey to pretty much guarantee that he would never leave her. Not like this. Not to mention he had left her a literal _love_ note the day he disappeared.

They stayed in each other's embrace for a while and Rose finally convinced Rey to eat something. She'd barely swallowed a crumb since he didn't come home. Not many words were spoken after that; there wasn't much else to say. No words in the English language could lessen her pain.

Rose stayed until it was dark after making sure Rey had eaten. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay the night, Rey?"

"Yeah. Yeah I'm sure, thanks, I just... need to be alone for a little while." She gave Rose the best smile she could muster but it wasn't much of one.

"Okay," she placed a hand on Rey's shoulder. "If you need _anything_ , and I mean anything at all, you call me. I don't care if it's four in the morning, you call me. You got it?"

Rey gave her an assuring nod before they shared one last hug and Rose left her apartment to go back to her love who was waiting for her.

She trudged back to the couch once agin and focused her lifeless eyes on nothing. Already, the hole in her heart was expanding. The dark cloud was hovering more frequently in her head. The weight was growing heavier on her shoulders. And she knew in time it would get worse. If he didn't come back soon, she didn't know what would become of her. There was absolutely no way she could live the rest of this life without him. It wasn't even _a_ life without him in it, it was just.. surviving. And she felt like she was on the brink of death.

Tears and Ben's note were the only things that accompanied her for the rest of the night; she was beyond scared they were the only things she'd know for the rest of her life. She sat on the couch, letter in hand, tears staining the corner-ripped piece of paper.

_Rey,_

_Had to leave for work xtra early today. Forgot to tell you last night._

_Miss you already, see you tonight sweetheart._

_I love you,_

_-B_

It was amazing how he could miss her with the intention of only being away for less than twelve hours. She wondered how much he missed her now. That is... if he was even able to. In other words, if he was breathing or not.

Rey read the letter over and over until her eyelids finally started to grow heavy. Certain parts of the note caught her eyes the most before she fell asleep.

_Miss you already, see you tonight sweetheart. I love you._

_Miss you, sweetheart. I love you._

_Miss you._

_I love you._

She imagined his deep seductive voice whispering it in her ear, just to be sure she knew. And she did. The only thing she could hope for now was that wherever in the world he was, he still knew she loved him too. Even if he was dead, hell... even if he really did leave her, she wouldn't ever stop.

**JUNE 2020 - SIX MONTHS LATER**

December 21st 2019 was the date burned into her mind. The 20th was the day she saw him last, but the 21st was when he fully escaped from her life. And he hadn't returned.

Every single night before she would close her eyes, she told herself that he was dead. That he was gone and was never coming back to her. That December 20th would be the last day she ever saw him, felt his warm wall of a body against hers. And yet, she still couldn't bring herself to accept it. There was a part of her deep down buried within her that still clung to the idea that he was okay and would come home one day.

But with each day that passed, that hopeful part of her became smaller and smaller, shrinking with every second that ticked by.

Every time she'd call or go down to the station to request an update only to hear that there were no new leads, she lost a little more hope. When she spent Christmas Eve, followed by Christmas Day alone in her bed sobbing into her pillow until she passed out, she lost hope. When she started the new year without him by her side to give her a New Year's kiss at midnight, she lost hope. Every morning when she would wake up to nothing but cold sheets beside her, she lost hope.

And now six months of living in this life of pure agony later, she felt more hopeless than ever. If he wasn't back for this day... it was safe to assume he was really gone for good. Because today would've been their most important one.

Their wedding day.

Or at least, it would've been had the universe not decided to wash him away from her life completely. The thought made her feel worse somehow. See, Rey was at absolute rock bottom. She'd never felt worse in her life. And thinking about how she should be getting ready to walk down the aisle in a stunning snow white gown with the man of her dreams waiting for her only made her return to her bathroom and pick up the razor blade she had last used yesterday.

Looking in the mirror, she didn't recognize herself. Dark half-circles covered the skin under her eyes and her cheekbones stuck out. She was extremely pale, never going out unless she absolutely had to for some reason, which wasn't often. She barely ate, finding the taste of everything to be the same bland flavor on her taste buds.

She held the blade up to her arm, tracing back over the slightly healed jagged lines from previous days. Still pressing the blade into her skin, she thought of their wedding. How right now she'd be getting her makeup done with a trying very hard not to cry Rose by her side. How the church would be filling of people waiting to witness their vows to stand by the other for the rest of their days. Her eyes snapped shut as tears ran down her cheeks from the stinging in her forearm, but the emotional pain drained it out and eventually she barely even felt it. The situation growing worse, another memory - of course - decided to embed itself in her head.

**AUGUST 2019**

_Rey leaned against the headboard of the bed with a sleepy Ben in her lap, his head resting on her thighs. Her hand stroked his soft, raven locks as she continued to marvel over the ring on her fourth finger. It was the biggest symbol of his love for her that she could ever see with her eyes._

_After the proposal on the beach - which felt very much like a fairy tale - he had carried her all the way back to their modern villa where he had given her probably the best sex of her life. Not only was the physical aspect of it endearing, but the emotion and feeling behind it was overwhelming._

_She was about to succumb to her tiredness right then and there, but he spoke, leaving a running vibration above her knees. "When would you like to get married, sweetheart?"_

_The question alone made her shiver. It was perhaps the best thing he'd ever asked her, besides the proposal to be his wife of course. The thought of sealing their love officially made her grin stupidly until her face literally hurt. "Hmm... I think.. we should do it after winter. That way we can have the ceremony outside if we want to."_

_"Mm," he vibrated her skin again. "I like your thinking, baby."_

_"Oh? And why's that?" She continued to pet his hair until he sat up and looked her in the eyes, a smile slowly forming on his beautiful face._

_"Because," he leaned forward to press a loud kiss to her lips. "That way I can call you my fiance longer."_

_Rey's brows furrowed and her head tilted slightly. "Ben, what does that have to do with anything?" she said with a laugh._

_"I don't know," he shrugged, "It just sounds hot." He pressed his lips to hers once again, this one deeper than the last. She groaned into his mouth which only provoked him further as he made his way down her neck, pressing tender kisses practically everywhere._

_"Oh," she moaned. "Hotter than calling me your wife?"_

_Ben moaned into the skin of her neck before coming back up for air, "No, nothing will be better than that," he clarified. "Fiancé is still hot though." He gave her a cheesy smile and she laughed, throwing her arms around his neck as he straddled her._

_"What am I going to do with you for the rest of my life, Ben Solo?"_

_"Mmm keep me in bed?" He thought of fairly quickly._

_Rey smirked. "Ha, you wish!"She slid out from under him and hopped off the bed with ease. However, she only made it one step across the hardwood floor before long, thick fingers wrapped around her wrist and pulled her back to the bed. Rey landed hard on the mattress with a squeal as Ben pinned her with a devilish smirk on his face._

_Ben lowered his face to hers, ghosting a kiss to her lips. Instead he moved to the side so his lips hovered right by her ear. He nipped at her earlobe before speaking in his low seductive voice, "I think I'd like to keep my fiancé here for a round two if she's up for it?" Rey pressed her thighs together seeking any kind of friction._

_He ground his pelvis against her, drawing out a moan._

_"Oh yes. She's definitely up for it."_

_She cupped his face and kissed him, the ring of cold metal lingering on his cheek._

**JUNE 2020**

When Rey opened her eyes sending herself back to reality, the first thing her gaze settled on was the ring Ben had slipped on her finger back in August. She never took it off, never had the heart to. The wetness on her face was now not only the result of the deep cuts in her arm, but the shearing pain of a beautiful memory.

Originally she started doing it to take her mind away from Ben and because physical pain would hurt less. But now it was so bad that even cutting couldn't stray her mind from him. Nothing could.

Well. _One thing_ would. But she didn't have the strength to go through with that right now.

Rey finished in the bathroom and cleaned herself up a little bit before going back to her room. _Their_ room. Her and Ben's. Like usual, she made her way to the walk-in closet to fetch one of Ben's simple black t-shirts. She sat herself on the bed and stared into nothing like she spent her days, weeks and months doing. Holding the heap of fabric up to her face, she inhaled, trying to detect any trace of his scent she loved so much. The only scent she picked up on was hers though, from sleeping with it for so many nights. In the past six months she'd gone through all of his shirts, each one now smelling like her rather than him. A single tear rolled down her pale face and onto the shirt, leaving a small stain.

She had to gather strength to simply turn her head and look at the blinking light of the clock sitting on the side table.

_5:33 PM_

Ugh.

She wouldn't fall asleep for at least another five hours. She was tired now, she was _always_ tired. But never enough to sleep until night. See, she spent every day counting the hours until she'd be tired enough to sleep. Getting through the day was a task all on its own. Sleep was all she looked forward to because when she slept, it didn't hurt nearly as bad.

Rey fiddled with her ring for the next several hours, her mind going through every good memory of Ben she had; there were a lot of them. It was like a non-stop movie playing in her brain just reminding her of everything she'd lost.

Sometimes she talked to him pretending he could hear her. She said the things on her mind or thoughts she needed him to know (even though he never would). Out loud or in her head, whichever felt best. Which is why when she finally grew tired enough to sleep, the words _'I love you baby, wherever you are'_ repeated themselves in her head until she fell asleep, still clutching his shirt like it was him.

**———**

Life had been on repeat for a while. The next few weeks went by - it was now **July** \- without any surprises in her daily schedule: she woke up, ate (sometimes), sat in her bed or on the couch and listen to her phone buzz repeatedly but letting Rose go to voicemail every time, do certain things to relieve some of her pain, shower (sometimes) and finally, her favorite, sleep.

Rose had tried to come over several times, knocking on her door sometimes for hours trying to get Rey to open up. But the truth was that there wasn't anything Rose could say or do to make her feel better. Nothing she could do to bring him back. And for that alone, she didn't want to see her or anyone. More importantly, she didn't want anyone to see her or how pathetic her life had become. No one besides her and Finn a couple times had checked up on her. Ben's parents weren't in the picture; his father had passed away not long before they met and he hadn't seen his mother in a couple of years at least. She'd never met either of them and she found herself wishing that she had now more than ever.

Rey would groan as soon as her brain could recognize that she was awake. Reluctantly, she'd stand and feel her heart sink a little more. She'd make her way to the kitchen where she'd eat something small, a few bites of a granola bar is she was lucky. Her stomach screamed that it was hungry, but she never really had an appetite anymore. Rey hadn't weighed herself, but she knew she'd lost a good amount of weight.

Without Ben, she felt so empty and relieved of life. It felt like she was already dead. A part of her just wished she'd get sick or something and then it would just be over easily. She wouldn't care where she went because this life, right now, was already her Hell.

One day, Rey finally decided to go outside, maybe for a walk. She was ridiculously pale, as she barely ever left her apartment nowadays. The people in town were aware of Ben's disappearance, as well as his beautiful fiancé he had left behind and how she never showed her face in public anymore. So when she stepped outside and made her way around the block, she could practically _feel_ the stares.

She was dressed in black leggings and a navy jacket with the hood up. Her focus was kept on the ground, mostly on putting one foot in front of the other. But at the same time, she wasn't focused on anything. Zoning out was common for her in the past six months, when everything just felt so lifeless. It was as if on the inside, she was screaming, sobbing and gasping for air. But on the outside, her features were blank, eyes empty.

Rey walked for a while not really knowing exactly where she was going, so when she reached a corner she looked up. And all at once, a million memories came rushing back to her.

In front of her stood Ben's favorite place, Solo Music Co. If he wasn't at home, fifty percent of the time she'd find him here. It was originally owned by Ben's parents before his mother moved and his father passed away. It had then been passed down to him and Rey had never seen more brightness in Ben's eyes when he learned his father left it to him. Ben worked alongside one of Han's oldest friends, Chewie who was still employed there to that day.

This was his side job of course. Ben mainly worked in banking for his mother who worked while living across the country. Their company had several issueswith a rival company, First Order, headed by Andrew Snoke. Though most tended to call him by his last name. Snoke was good at not only his job, but as a businessman as well. He was dirty.

Obviously, Ben loves his side job a great deal more. He was there so often and talked about it so much that sometimes Rey questioned if he loved that old store more than her. But whenever brought up, Ben of course shot it down quick.

Some of her fondest memories of Ben were right inside. When he played guitar for her for the first time, where he finally got the balls to ask her on a date years ago, where he even wrote a _song_ for her and performed it. Rey hadn't been to the store since before he left, and now seeing it felt like a thousand daggers to the heart.

There was so much pain in her heart, chest, head, and pretty much everywhere else too, that she didn't hear the old, but tall, brown haired man calling her name.

He stepped forward and eventually Rey snapped out of her trance, jolting slightly when she saw him.

"Oh. Hey Chewie," she averted her gaze to the ground. She didn't want to see his sympathetic expression that she was sure was there.

"Hey kid," said an older gruff voice, "Saw ya lingering out here. Haven't seen you around here in a while. How're you hanging?"

It was a ridiculous question. Every time Rey heard it she had to force herself not to scoff bitterly. _How was she doing_? About as well as she could do when her fiancé — the love of her life — goes missing without any clues as to where he is. Or if he's even alive.

She shrugged. "As well as I can be right now. Which isn't at all, really."

Chewie didn't say anything else for a moment; they stood in silence. Only when he put a reassuring hand on her shoulder did she look up at him.

"They're gonna find him, Rey." He almost whispered.

This time Rey couldn't hold back her scoff. It never made her feel better when people assured her that he'd be found. Because even if he was, he could be dead, or hurt to badly that he'd succumb to his injuries and die. And besides, by now she was pretty much aware that he wouldn't be returning.

"And while they're out lookin' for him, I want you to take care of yourself. He wouldn't want you like this." Chewie said.

"Even if he wouldn't want it, I can't just stop thinking about him. He's the one person I needed not to leave. I always try to listen to what he has to say but he's not here right now so I can feel like whatever the hell I want." Rey's tone grew harsher by the word. As soon as she realized it, she sighed, trying to hold back her tears.

"I'm sorry Chewie, I know you're trying to help me... but I'm not sure anything can anymore. Nothing except for Ben coming back and I'm pretty positive that won't happen."

"You never know. You hang in there, alright? I expect a call if you ever need anything, kay?" Chewie patted her shoulder.

All Rey could manage was a small nod before Chewie made his way back inside the store. It took all of her strength not to burst into sobs right there on the sidewalk in front of this monumental location in her relationship with Ben.

Going for a walk was a bad idea. Maybe just being _here_ , on Earth, was a bad idea.

There was nothing she could do anymore that could relieve any of her pain. It had become too great.

Rey made it home and shut the door before leaning against it and sliding to the floor. She cried differently lately. Now it was less tears but more screaming and gasping. But this time, after an encounter with her past, the tears came easily.

She didn't know how long she stayed there. Alternating between burying her head between her knees and slamming her head back against the door, time dragged on. She eyed the small medication cabinet in the kitchen a couple times.

Sometimes Rey created false scenarios in her head when she felt lost. And sometimes, she got so deep that she almost believed it was real. This time she imagined Ben walking through the door while she stood in the kitchen. He didn't say anything, just crossed the room within seconds to wrap his muscled arms around her. He'd tell her how much he loves her and how he missed her, but he's back for good now. And she'd never have to be alone again.

Rey opened her eyes to see the dark kitchen, only slightly lit by the moonlight. She's been on the ground for hours. He wasn't back. And she was still alone. 

She found herself fighting to keep her eyes open. The feeling almost made her smile. Sleep was her favorite part of life at the moment. There wasn't any energy she could draw out from within her to make her stand and walk to bed, so she fell asleep against the door that had seen her go through everything in the past six months.

**———**

Rey woke to the distant sound of her phone ringing. It was morning; light shined in through the blinds in the kitchen. Her phone was on the counter; she hadn’t taken it on her walk she realized.

Knowing it'd be Rose, she stood and walked towards the kitchen, stretching along the way. More often than not, Rey didn't pick up when Rose called. But for some reason, today she was kind of in the mood to talk or even hangout with her best friend.

But when the screen was in her view, an unknown number was displayed on the glass. Rey hesitated and considered if she really wanted to answer, but her finger led itself towards the green answer button.The only reason she ultimately did was because she constantly dreamt of the day when someone would call to say they found him.

She raised the phone to the side of her face.

"Hello?"

"Hi there," said a male voice, "I'm calling for a Rey Niima?"

Her heart dropped a little but she didn't know why.

"Yes, this is she."

Rey dreamt of the day when someone would call to say they found him. But the day they called to say the opposite was a day she could never hope to see.

She felt lifeless ever since Ben left, but when she registered the man's next words, she felt so empty and hollow that the extent of it was almost indescribable.

"Ah, alright. My name is Dr. Poe Dameron and I'm with the Resistance Hospital and Morgue. A body has been found that may resemble your fiancé, Benjamin Solo. For a further confirmation on whether it's him or not, we'd like to ask you to come in and identify the body."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! the entire story is written so subscribe to be notified when it updates soon!
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated!!


	2. We Bleed The Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey deals with the additional stress of having to identify a body that may be Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING!!**
> 
> Suicidal Thoughts, Self-harm, Depression

**JULY 2020**

Rey found herself on the cold hardwood floor again. A numbness like no other took over her body from the moment she heard Doctor Dameron's words. So much so that her knees gave way as soon as the call ended, sending her and the phone crashing to the floor.

She wanted to be dead. It was as simple as that. If she went to the morgue later and saw that her love was really dead, it would be the end for her, no doubt about it. The only reason she was still alive was because he hadn't been confirmed dead. But that could all change later in the day.

All she wanted was to hear him say 'I love you' one more time, but the closest she had to that was the note he wrote her. Yes, she still had it. It was harder to make out the words on it because her tears had stained it. It didn't really matter though, she had easily memorized it but it was nice to see it in his handwriting that was unique to him only. She held onto it every night, clutching it to her chest.

Doctor Dameron told her to come in at three that afternoon, which was only about six hours away. There was no way she could sit in her apartment and just wait for it dreadfully, so she texted Rose who she hadn't spoken to in a while. She didn't tell her about the call she'd received, just to come over as soon as possible.

Rose replied ten minutes later saying she was on her way over. This gave Rey another solid twenty minutes to sit and reminisce on every moment she'd spent with Ben. And she could only hope with everything she had that pulling back a sheet to reveal his cold, lifeless body wouldn't be her last moment with him.

For some reason, one particular memory stuck out in her mind this time.

**SEPTEMBER 2019**

_The sound of the front door slamming echoed throughout the apartment. A concerned expression immediately placed itself on Rey's face as she emerged from the bedroom._

_Ben was seething, leaning against the counter with his hands placed on the top._

_She knew what this was about already. There had been troubles with First Order trying to take over Ben's company and he was more than fed up with it._

_Before Rey could even take a step towards him, Ben hurled a whiskey glass off the counter and straight into a nearby wall, shattering it. She couldn't stop the gasp that left her at the sudden movement. Ben noticed and immediately looked apologetic but only sighed heavily and looked down._

_Rey took careful steps towards her fiancé and put a comforting hand on his bicep. Ben immediately relaxed to her touch and leaned into her._

_"I'm sorry," he mumbled so she could barely hear._

_"What happened?"_

_"He just..." Ben huffed, "he won't stop. He's manipulating me and the entire company, trying to find faults in everything we do, just wanting to prove that First Order should take over." He looked at Rey, "I won't let him Rey. I won't let fucking Snoke take away everything I've built there"_

_"I know you won't. He's just making up shit to scare you. There's no way they'll ever be able to take over, okay?”_

_"I don't know Rey, he's making points that are hard for even me to defend..."_

_"You'll figure it out."_

_"You always say that."_

_"Because it's true." Rey reached up to cup his face, "You always overcome whatever life throws at you. It's something I admire about you and wish I could do."_

_"I'm just... scared Rey. I've worked my ass off along with every other employee and he could just demolish all of that hard-work and hours we put in."_

_"He won't."_

_"But he-"_

_"He won't." Rey assured him._

_Ben didn't say anything else so Rey leaned forward and hugged him from the side. Her arms barely fit around his wide torso. They stood in silence for only moments before Ben wrapped an arm around her, pulling her even closer to his side. She nuzzled herself into his side, surrounded by his scent that she craved so much._

_"I love you." Her words were slightly muffled._

_"I love you too, sweetheart. Thank you."_

**JULY 2020**

Rey had always suspected that her fiancé's disappearance had something to do with Snoke or his work. There wasn't much to go on, though. Snoke was investigated yet no evidence of having Ben taken away was found. And she found it hard to believe that he would do all of this over business. Who knew, maybe it was Snoke. But she couldn't prove it even if she wanted to.

The memories and suspicions were put to a halt when a frantic knock sounded at the door.

_Rose._

She pulled the door open to reveal a very alert Rose accompanied by a deeply concerned expression in her eyes.

"Rey what's wrong?"

Rey didn't say anything, just nodded sadly with her head for her to come in. Even when she got to the kitchen and leaned against the counter did she remain quiet, which Rose apparently did not appreciate.

"You haven't spoken to me in weeks, Rey. You never answered my calls or texts and when you finally respond it's to get here ASAP. And now you're not even speaking so _please_ just tell me what happened. I know something's up."

The girl braced herself against the counter, preparing for what she was about to say. It shattered her heart into a trillion pieces thinking about the fact that her next words were reality.

"I—I just got a call," she swallowed, "from the morgue."

Rey watched as her best friend's eyes grew unbelievably wide and her lips part. Rose went to speak but couldn't find the right words, only speaking in stutters.

"He—he's not... is he.. I mean is he actually—"

"I don't know, Rose." A tear slipped from Rey's eye and dropped onto the marble countertop.

Rose blinked several times trying to refrain from crying, "Well.. what'd they say?"

"They said uh—," it took a moment for Rey to gather her words as her breaths were shuddering and hitching terribly. "They want me to go in today and identify a body they found... see if it's him."

Rey could tell her best friend was almost as distraught as she was, but she could also tell that she was partially relieved that Rey didn't just tell her he was dead. Rose was relieved that there was still a chance it wasn't him.

"Okay, okay," Rose tried to sound reassuring but failed. "So it might not even be him. You could go there and it not even look remotely close to him, there's still that chance." Rey nodded. Her best friend was doing her best to comfort her which she appreciated more than anything, but in this situation it never really helped much.

"Maybe but, Rose... what if—what if I walk in there and when they pull back the sheet it's him lying on the table? What if the thing I need to survive is dead and cold and never to see a speck of life again? What'll I do then?" Rey's tone became frantic. "I've already been without him for what feels like more than a lifetime but in reality it's been.. fuck, seven months. If I can't go less than a year without him, I don't see how I'll be able to even live the rest of this life. And I don't wanna do that to you Rose, I don't wanna do that to anybody, but I truly don't know if I could ever move forward."

She looked up to see that Rose had begun crying at her words. They stood in silence for a while and Rey contemplated whether saying that much was necessary. She decided it didn't matter; there were bigger problems. Ones in approximately five hours now.

Rey guessed that her best friend didn't know how to respond to her monologue because Rose enveloped her in a tight hug. Tears fell from both of their eyes onto the other's shoulders.

"I'm not gonna tell you that it's gonna be okay," Rose said, words slightly muffled. "I'm not gonna tell you that because it might not be and I'm not gonna lie to you. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than all of this. So let's just wait and we'll cross the bridge if we come to it, okay?"

Rey nodded assuringly but the gesture didn't reach her eyes.

The girls moved to the couch and Rose tried to distract Rey by updating her on what's been happening in her life recently. Rey tried to listen but would end up zoning out every few seconds. Nothing could keep Ben from her mind and worries.

The apartment was warm; she must've not turn on the AC, so Rey instinctively pushed up her sleeves to relieve her of any sweating. It wasn't until Rose stopped talking abruptly did she realize what she'd done. Afraid to look at her best friend she kept her gaze on the floor until Rose spoke.

"Rey. What's on your arm?"

Immediately, Rey covered her arms with the sleeves of Ben's black Adidas hoodie.

"Nothing," she murmured.

Rey finally looked up at Rose to see her eyebrows knitted in concern. "It's really nothing Rose just forget it."

Rose scoffed. "It doesn't look like nothing, Rey. I wasn't gonna mention this to you because I know you can take care of yourself but I'm not so sure about that anymore. Have you considered seeing someone, maybe a therapist—"

"I don't want to," was all Rey offered.

"Rey I think it could seriously help—"

"I don't want their help. I don't want their pity or sympathy. I don't need it. So please let me deal with this on my own. It's my problem, nobody else's."

"I know you don't want it, I know. But I don't wanna come here one day only to walk in and find you dead on the fucking floor!" Rose's tone was a near shout.

"Well if that happened it would mean that I'm finally _happy_! I'd be with him and if that's what it would take then so be it." Rey couldn't contain her sobs anymore at the last sentence and neither could Rose.

Rose took Rey's hands and held onto them tightly.

"Don't do that Rey, just... wait. I promise it'll be better eventually. Maybe not for a while but one day. Don't leave, not like that. Okay?"

There wasn't much else that Rey could say besides, "Kay."

———

Rose stayed for another hour or so trying to get Rey in a better state of mind before leaving.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come?" Rose said as she made her way to the front door of the apartment.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks Rose." Rey gave her best smile but it wasn't much of one. Rose nodded and hugged Rey once more.

"You call me afterwards okay?"

"Okay."

With that, Rose left.

As soon as she was gone Rey let out a heavy breath of the relief of being alone finally. She preferred it nowadays. She ran to the kitchen to check the time.

_12:02 PM_

_Three hours._

With that much time to kill, Rey went to her bathroom to retrieve her blades. She needed relief from all the emotional stress she was carrying. And plus, this could be the last time she ever cut.

If Ben was under the sheet, she didn't know if she'd even make it home. God knows she wouldn't be able to drive. There was a quarry nearby where she could jump. The landscape surrounding it was beautiful and Rey always stood too close to the edge for Ben's liking. She went there a lot just to escape from everything; it was quiet and peaceful. Ben found her there a lot. Kind of how his music store was his safe place, the quarry was hers. And it may even be the place where she died.

As she dug the blade into her forearm she thought about one time he found her there.

**OCTOBER 2019**

_It didn't take much time for Rey to sprint to the quarry. She barely felt the dull ache in her calves as she ran. All she could think was escape, escape, escape._

_Her and Ben had fought. It was stupid, she barely even remembered what it was about but regardless, she absolutely hated when they fought. It didn't happen often, so when it did she needed a little time alone. Except whenever she'd gain that loneliness, all she'd want was him._

_When she arrived she immediately made way to her spot near the ledge. It had a perfect view of beyond the quarry. There_ _were hills of fields and meadows and nothing was more peaceful than sitting there and watching the stillness of it all. It was almost like staring at a picture._

_She sat there for a while, breathing in the fresh autumn air. When she was lost in a trance, she swore she heard something from the bottom of the quarry_.

_Knitting her eyebrows, she stood and stepped closer to the edge trying to see further over. Nothing was down there of course but every time Rey came there she felt like the bottom was calling to her. Like it was a place yet to be explored._

_Rey still didn't notice how close she actually was to falling; she was too deep in thought. So the suddenness of Ben's voice behind her almost sent her over the edge to her death._

_"Rey!" she heard before she felt Ben's strong arms wrap around her waist from behind, pulling her back._

_He turned her around in his arms so she could see the saddened look on his face. His hands held her face, holding her close._

_"Are you okay? What are you doing?" He ran his arms up and down her arms as if to check for any signs she was hurt._

_Rey shook her head trying to return to reality, "Yeah.. yeah I'm fine why?"_

_Ben looked at her as if she had three heads. "You—you looked like you were about to fall or... jump." His voice broke on the last word._

_"Oh! No no no," she assured him, "I just thought I heard something down there and was trying to see if it was anything." Her words must've not been reassuring enough because the expression on Ben's face didn't alter._

_Rey sighed and put her hands on top of his that now rested on her shoulders. "I'm fine Ben, I promise. And I'm sorry for.. you know.. earlier..."_

_He huffed and pulled her against his warm, broad chest. Her head was sideways so she could hear his heart beating fast in his chest like he ran to her. Ben's arms wrapped around her tightly and she did the same to him._

_"Shh it's okay baby. I'll think about reaching out to my mother if it means so much to you. It's okay.." he cooed and kissed the top of her head._

_'So that's what the fight was about' she thought. Okay so maybe it wasn't entirely stupid because she'd been trying to convince him to reach out to Leia for some time now. But it didn't matter now. All she wanted now was to be with Ben in his arms and she was._

_If she could die like this, in her lover's arms, she'd guess she had a pretty great life. If she could choose a way to go, that'd be it. Just being with him._

_She never would've jumped from the cliff like he may have thought. She wouldn't leave Ben alone like that. Thinking about the horrible pain he'd be in made her heart hurt terribly as did thinking about if he left her. So instead she focused on being with him, right now in this moment, pressed against him._

_Much to her disliking he eventually pulled away but took her hand right away._

_"Come on," he started to pull her. "Let's go home."_

**JULY 2020**

When the memory finished playing in her head and was brought back to the present, Rey immediately felt a sharp sting in her arm. This was abnormal and odd since she never really felt much when she cut; it was drained out by all of the emotional pain.

She looked down to see that while thinking back to last fall, she'd accidentally cut way deeper than she ever intended. It was almost enough to kill her.

" _Shit shit shit shit.."_

Putting down the blade, she immediately began to treat it which she had stopped doing super regularly. A lightheadedness feeling took place not long after but she willed herself to remain conscious. As much as she didn't want to go to the morgue soon, she would. She'd do it for Ben.

When she was finished in the bathroom all she could wonder was:

_Was that the last time?_

She hoped it wouldn't be for Ben's sake. Because if it was indeed the last time, that meant Ben would be under the cover.

Rey went to her room to chance into a different sweatshirt of Ben's - this one was also black, but Nike. It was paired with black leggings and her white low-top converse. She left her hair down, too tired to even care or do anything with it.

The time was only 1:47 PM when she checked it, meaning she still had a little over half an hour before she had to leave.

There was nothing else to do but wait in anticipation, and that's exactly what she did until the clock hit exactly 2:30.

She stood from the couch and made her way to the door. Then she remembered something she'd left on the counter. Her tracks halted and she ran to the kitchen to retrieve Ben's letter. Before leaving the apartment completely, she looked around one more time as it may be the last time she stepped foot in it. A million memories of her and Ben flashed through her head. Them laughing while cooking. Him picking her up and carrying her to their room. Them swaying slowly in the living room to music she'd put on.

Rey snapped out of it soon after and exited their home. 

———

The drive was antagonizing. She didn't drive much anymore so it was extremely difficult not to zone out every minute. One hand was on the wheel and the other clutched Ben's note in her lap. Her turns were shaky and so were her hands.

At first when she pulled into the parking lot she thought she wouldn't be able to go in. But then she saw that it was only _2:53_ and had a couple minutes to gather herself beforehand.

She wondered what Ben would do in her situation. If he'd ever be able to move on or if he'd be stuck on her for the rest of his days. These thoughts of course brought her mind to another memory when he was in a similar situation at first. Except in this case, Rey actually came back.

**NOVEMBER 2019**

_If Rey had to make a list of 'Worst Nights Ever' this one would definitely make the top ten._

_She'd gone to a stupid party with Rose and Finn who'd both left early because she insisted on walking home. Home wasn't terribly far. Yeah, the walk wouldn't be terrible, but the party sure was._

_The night was made up of guys constantly throwing themselves at her which got so bad she almost burst into tears and wanted nothing more to be in Ben's arms, some jackass spilling a drink on her, the back of her left high heel breaking and people stomping all over her feet due to the tight space which made the walk home even worse._

_Oh, and her phone was dead before she even got through her first drink. Meaning, as she was texting Ben that she went out it died. She told Rose to text Ben for her saying she was out but she was so drunk that Rey wasn't convinced the job got done._

_God, he was probably worried as hell._

_The thought made her at least attempt to walk faster in the night but her feet ached too bad._

_By the time she reached her apartment complex, she estimated that it was around 2am. It took her a minute to dig out her key from her purse and when she finally found it, she opened the door to a very distressed Ben who was pacing back and forth in the open kitchen area._

_His head immediately turned towards her, his eyes wide. She could tell he was tired and going crazy staying up._

_"Rey, oh my god where have you been? I've been worried sick!"_

_She dropped her purse on the ground, too exhausted to care. "I'm so sorry Ben, I went out with Rose and a couple friends and tried to text you but my phone died." She gestured to the ground where her phone was in the purse_.

_"You couldn't have texted me from Rose's phone?"_

_"I told her to text you herself but I think she was already too drunk to not care or remember."_

_Ben sighed and covered his mouth with one hand, looking down. "Okay, just—just try to text me next time? From anyone's phone, even if it's a stranger's."_

_Rey nodded. "Yeah, okay."_

_Without another word, he paced towards her and wrapped her in his arms which she'd been craving all night._

_"God, I was so scared Rey. I almost went out looking for you myself.. or— or call the police or something."_

_Rey only offered a hum, "You worry about me too much, you know."_

_Ben pulled back slightly to look down at her. "Oh? And that's a bad thing?"_

_Missing his warmth already, Rey pressed her head back to his chest. "Mm I guess it's not so awful actually. I just hate seeing you stressed."_

_His arms tightened around her, "And besides, I think I have the right to worry about you being your fiancé and all..."_

_She chuckled and craned her neck up to kiss his warm cheek. "Okay I guess it's fair then."_

_A laugh escaped from Ben at her words. It was her favorite sound of all time._

**JULY 2020**

_Oh, what she would give to hear even his low chuckle again,_ she thought.

Her eyes drifted to the clock on the screen of her car which read _2:59_. Looking down at her lap, she re-read the faded words a couple more times, especially the last two sentences.

_Rey,_

_Had to leave for work xtra early today. Forgot to tell you last night._

_Miss you already, see you tonight sweetheart._

_I love you,_

_-B_

"I miss you too," she whispered to herself before inhaling heavily and getting out of the car.

She held her breath when she pushed open the hospital doors, and she held her breath after asking the front desk for Doctor Dameron and giving her name.

She wouldn't recall the doctor greeting her or even leading her to the morgue. Her body was hollow and all she felt was emptiness. She was too zoned, too focused on praying to God that she wouldn't see Ben in the next couple minutes. It was the only time in her life that she didn't want to see him.

They walked down a long hallway and Rey just put one step in front of the other while twiddling her thumbs.

Doctor Dameron pushed open a set of doors to reveal a dimly lit room with several tables filling it. One in the middle stuck out, the one with the covered body on it.

Rey could make out where the face was by the slight outline in the sheet.

Doctor Dameron was speaking, explaining what would happen but she only picked up on certain words and phrases like "I know it's hard... tell me if you think it's him... any resemblance... hard to tell..." And all she did was nod along.

He concluded and walked towards the body that she prayed wasn't her Ben.

She tracked the outline of the body from head to toe, trying to guess early if it was him or not. Already she could tell why they thought it could be him, the length of this body was similar to Ben. Yeah, that was all she had to go on right now but it was something.

After standing in silence for a moment, Doctor Dameron spoke lowly.

"Miss Niima, are you ready?"

Rey looked up at the man who was about her height with desperate eyes and told the truth.

"No. But go ahead."

The doctor nodded with consolation in his features.

And then he pulled back the cover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated, subscribe to be notified when the next chapter is up!


	3. Just Come Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the body identification, Rey handles the stress that follows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Self-harm reference
> 
> Once again if any of these may trigger you, please do not read this

**JULY 2020**

Another round of sobbing came and went. It's what she'd been doing for the past... 34 minutes and she couldn't stop. The pounding in her head, the ache in her chest... it still wouldn't go away. All she could do was sit in her car and play back in her head what happened in the past hour.

At first when Doctor Dameron revealed the body to her, all she saw was Ben. Saw the dark eyebrows and full lips. But when she looked closer and really analyzed the face, it was easy to tell that it wasn't him.

Some facial features were similar, like the sharpness of the jaw line or a larger nose. But the body missed many more things unique to Ben like the several moles that were scattered around his face and his ears which stuck out a little farther out than normal, which she loved.

Rey loved Ben's ears even if he despised them. They were his soft spot, and she could spend hours on hours with him in her lap just playing with his ears.

The sobbing began as soon as her brain verified that it wasn't her Ben dead on the table. The tears weren't ones of sadness, but of immense relief.

Her Ben wasn't dead. He wasn't dead as far as she knew, but maybe someone else did.

It took a while for her to gather herself just enough so she'd be able to drive. Of course rush hour was just starting so it took longer than usual to get home, which especially wasn't convenient for Rey right now. Even as she drove the tears flowed down her cheeks and dropped onto her lap where Ben's faded words still rested.

She thought maybe if she had some kind of closure with Ben that it would help. It wouldn't cure her of heartbreak of course - nothing would - but it would still be nice. Like if there was a grave she could visit or even to just say goodbye and I love you one last time. Rey didn't want to, but she couldn't help but hate Ben a little bit for leaving her behind without a last word. It didn't matter though, the amount of love for him in her body cancelled it out millions of times.

She was mad because... who knows where'd they be right now? Well, they'd be married for sure. But would they have moved into a bigger house? Would they be talking of having kids, of raising a family? Would Ben finally come to his senses and quit his job he so desperately despised? Rey didn't know. And maybe she never would.

As she drove, her thoughts led her to yet another memory of her and Ben from a couple weeks before he left.

**DECEMBER 2019**

_"F-fuck!" Ben cursed as he pounded her from behind._

_Rey groaned into the pillow her face was stuffed into at the feeling of Ben's cock dragging along her inner walls._

_"Shit Ben, I'm so close..."_

_Ben only grunted in response and leaned down to kiss behind her shoulders. He wasn't merciful, as he continued to hammer her, the tip hitting her cervix._

_"Oh my god, yes... that's it... fuck baby I'm so fucking close."_

_At her words, Ben reached around to her front to rub rapidly at her clit. The stimulation made it all too much and she leaned easily._

_His thrusts began to slow as she fell from her climaxand he eventually pulled out after finishing inside her._

_Ben flipped her around so she was on her back. She didn't stay there for long before he picked her up, cradling her to his chest bridal style and walking to the bathroom. She smiled into his chest at his displays of affection and care for her._

_He set her on the toilet, making sure to steady her swaying before turning around to run a bath for them._

_Rey's eyes fluttered closed; she could fall asleep right there which was why when he put his hands on her again, she jolted._

_"Come here sweetheart.." he said as he picked her up again to lower her into the warm and steamy water._

_Her eyes closed again and she sighed at the comforting feeling of the hot water surrounding her still shaking body. The water sloshed slightly and she realized it was because Ben had climbed in behind her, his legs framing hers._

_Ben pulled her back against him so she leaned against his chest, her head on his shoulder. She sighed contently and nuzzled her face into his neck. He must've noticed her slight shaking because he wrapped his muscled arms around her, not intending to let her go._

_They stayed like that for a while, with Rey dozing off every now and then. Ben's arms only tightened around her when she moved and he kissed her forehead to shush her when she insisted on washing him._

_When the water became more lukewarm, Ben sat up and removed his arms from her. Grabbing soap and a washcloth, he cleaned her, tracing small circles on her back and down the sides of her arms. She hummed at the soft contact which made him grin._

_After he was finished with her, Ben quickly cleaned himself up before helping Rey out of the bath and wrapping her in a big and soft towel._

_He helped her back into bed and pulled up the comforter for the two of them. Ben laid on his side, arms full of Rey as he spooned her. Just_ _when he thought she had finally fallen asleep, her voice filled the air._

_"Do you wanna have kids one day?"_

_Ben was internally startled at the question. Not only did her voice make him jolt slightly, but she was pretty straightforward with what she was asking. Not to mention he seemed to have forgotten English while trying to figure out how to answer._

_He tightened his arms around her, "I think... I think that one day perhaps I'd like to... what about you?" Ben was genuinely interested in hearing her answer._

_His stunning fiancé then turned her head back towards him with the most angelic smile on her face._

_"I'd like that too. With you."_

_Ben smiled at her answer - he didn't want anything more than a family with her. He lowered his head so he could press his lips to hers gently._

_"One day though," he said as he pulled away. "I think I want you to myself for just a little longer," he chuckled._

_"Mmm," Rey hummed as she turned back around. "Couldn't agree more."_

_Within minutes she was sound asleep with her world wrapped around her in the comfort of their bed. The last thing she heard prior to her slumber was Ben's voice when he—_

**JULY 2020**

The memory was cut short as it was nearing its end by another vehicle slamming into the passenger side of Rey's car.

Her head slammed to the left into the window which made her brain go fuzzy immediately. The sound of the crash was deafening and Rey could already feel the cuts on her skin beginning to sting from the glass.

Rey couldn't stop the inevitable unconsciousness that would soon take over her body as she sat there. The last thing she thought and hoped for before slipping into the sleeping state was that she would die. That she wouldn't have to end it herself. That she could see Ben right now.

The specific thought of seeing Ben soon made her hope more before the world faded into blackness around her.

———

He was here.

Ben was home. Back in their apartment, standing in the kitchen as she walked through the front doorway. He was smiling, arms and legs crossed, leaning against the counter.

Rey's legs felt like jello; they'd give out any second. So instead of waiting for that to happen, she dropped her purse and sprinted towards him and jumped into his arms with him barely having enough time to reach out for her.

The feeling of his arms around her alone made the sobs come with ease. His scent, the feeling of his shaggy hair scraping the side of her neck along with his warm breath was enough to make her tremble terribly in his grasp.

"Shhh," Ben cooed, his low voice rumbling over her shoulder.

Rey tightened her arms around his neck and tried to find words, but none came. Gasps, stutters and short phrases were all that escaped from her lips.

"B—Ben, y-you... are you- is this e-even... Ben?" Her breath hitched with every word she spoke.

"I'm here sweetheart, you don't have to worry anymore. I'm right here. I'm home." He sighed happily.

Rey laughed into his shoulder and more tears came. They had visited her often in the past seven months. But now they were evolved. Evolved into ones of pure elation and happiness rather then the old ones of sorrow and despair.

" _God_ Ben, I can't even say how fucking worried I was about you," Rey pressed her face deeper into his shoulder as if she could stay there forever.

"I know, I know angel and I'm sorry for being away. But I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere okay? I promise.."

Rey smiled stupidly and felt herself being lowered to the ground. She hesitantly placed her feet on the ground before craning her neck again slightly to look at Ben who was already staring longingly into her eyes. They were glossy; it was as if she was staring into a large lake-like ocean, one that faded into the horizon and was all one could see, even in their peripherals.

His loving gaze was all of the sudden replaced by a lifeless, dull one. One that almost mirrored what hers had been for the past half a year.

Rey's brows furrowed in concern. "Ben?" She tried to reach out to him emotionally.

"She has a mild concussion which should go away fairly soon, two cracked ribs and a slight fracture in the tibia." Ben said with a robotic monotone.

It felt like Rey's eyebrows were completely knitted together now, "Ben.. w—what are you-"

"Yes, from what I can tell your friend will be just fine." He interrupted.

A horrifying realization dawned over Rey then. As she looked into the eyes that could very well be her own, she came to the cruel truth.

This wasn't real.

"This isn't real is it?" She whispered as tears began to fill her eyes.

Ben kept speaking. It was his voice and his body in front of her but it wasn't him. Rey pleaded silently to make herself wake up which eventually became mutters to herself which eventually became words she spoke at a normal volume to herself which then became frantic shouts.

When she screamed though, her eyes snapped open and all she saw was a blinding white light. Then she slowly began to hear voices.

"Yes, I'm pretty positive that she will be okay Miss Tico. The outcome could have been a great deal worse and I'm almost surprised of how well it actually turned out." A soft feminine voice spoke to her.... left?

Rey turned her head slowly towards the where the voices came from and was met with a woman who she guessed to be the doctor and a very concerned Rose.

The doctor had her back turned to her and Rose faced in Rey's direction. Rose's gaze averted to her for a millisecond when she did a double take. Her eyes widened incredibly at the sight of Rey being awake.

"Holy shit!" She ran the five feet separating the two friends and leaned down to the hospital bed level to hug Rey lightly while being cautious not to hurt her any further. Rey lifted her arms slowly to wrap around the back of her best friend. The doctor murmured something about leaving the two of them alone but Rey was to emotional to take it into full account.

When Rose pulled back it was easy to tell that she'd been crying. Her eyes were red rimmed and glossy, cheeks pink as well. "Oh god Rey I was so fucking scared when they called.." She continued to express her concerns but Rey's thoughts immediately drifted to one thing. Her emergency contacts were Ben and Rose. Ben wasn't there. So Rose was called. And all Rey could think about was that if Ben were here right now, he'd be cradling her in his arms while pressing light kisses to the top of her head all while whispering sweet nothings to her. But Ben wasn't there. So that wouldn't happen right now. Maybe not ever again.

"What-what happened out there Rey?" Rose was sitting on the bed beside her now. The question sucked her out of her own head and was brought back into the white-walled hospital room.

Rey took a moment to think. What had happened? One second she was driving, the next.... _oh_. Everything came back to her then. She'd been thinking of Ben after driving home from the hospital which she was back at now... how funny. And.. it wasn't him under the sheet. 

"I—I don't know.. I must've.. I must've ran a red light or something-"

"Yeah. Yeah that's what happened Rey, I know. I spent an hour convincing the man who hit you not to press charges. Thankfully he was fine." Her tone grew more serious by the word. "I mean _what happened_ Rey? Did you fall asleep behind the wheel or-or did you just not care anymore? Make me understand _please_ ," she pleaded.

Rey swallowed and felt a sharp pain in one of her ribs which made her wince. She buried all of the physical pain that she felt and focused on the emotional aspect of it all.

"I was uh—I was thinking about Ben. After going to the morgue I just couldn't stop thinking about him.."

Rose's eyes widened and Rey realized that she still wasn't updated on what occurred at the morgue.

"Oh god, was it-was it him-?"

"No, no." Rey stated immediately. "It wasn't him." The stress leaving Rose's body was almost palpable when Rey saw her shoulders lower and her eyes become flooded with relief.

"Thank god," she sighed. 

"Yeah," Rey mumbled although the reassurance didn't ease the pain at all.

Rose's mouth pressed into a hard line before she leaned down once again to envelop Rey in a hug, this one tighter than before. "I don't know what I woulda done if you didn't make it Rey. I can't lose you okay? Don't ever leave. The world needs you in it."

Rey knew there was deeper meaning to her best friend's words. When a magnifying glass was held up to them, one could easily see that she was secretly pleading for Rey not to take her life.

Returning the gesture, she wrapped her arms around Rose and began to cry. But she didn't cry for Rose or for making her worried sick. She didn't cry of the physical pain of her head, ribs and leg. She didn't cry of the stress of almost losing her life earlier in the day.

No, she cried while having her arms around Rose at the fact that her mind played her. He wasn't home like he muttered into her neck and promised in the dream.

Ben wasn't there.

———

Rose wheeled her best friend out of Resistance Hospital two days later. She was sent out on crutches which she got the hang of after about ten minutes.

The car ride back to her apartment was spent in silence, but a comfortable one surprisingly. They didn't say much save for when Rose dropped her off with the medication and told her consistently to call if she needed anything.

Minutes after Rey was inside, shoes off and keys dropped onto the counter, she dug into her meds. The instructions called for her to take a pill every twelve hours but she could knock it down to every eight if the pain was great enough.

After taking one pill, Rey held the bottle up to eye-level and had a staring contest with it. All she could think was how simple it would be to just pour half a whole handful of little white pills into her palm and take them, resulting in a reunion with Ben. _How easy_ , she thought. Almost too easy. Nobody ever really notices how close they are to death during many times. Something though, she couldn't explain what, kept her from doing so.

But that didn't stop the fact that for days after that one, she remembered how quick and simple it would be to see her Ben again.

_Just half a handful..._

**SEPTEMBER 2020**

She'd been engaged for over a year now, nine of the twelve months spent alone, and not once had the ring left her finger. Through everything she never took it off.

Months went by and somehow Rey had grown severely worse. If her mental state in July was bad, this was downright awful.

Another long period of silence had set itself between Rey and Rose who she hadn't spoken to since August probably. She didn't know.

Rey didn't really eat anymore. The last time had been what.. a week ago? She was crazily malnourished and dehydrated leaving her with stomach aches unlike no other and furious migraines which she treated with pills.

There wasn't really any food in the apartment for her to eat anyways... the last time she stepped outside was probably weeks ago.

She had fully recovered from the car accident recently, but it didn't matter because the mental and emotional pain levels skyrocketed above the physical hurt. Rey still cut, yet even _that_ barely took away any pain now. It was hard to feel the blade cutting into her arm nowadays unless she went _deep_. Red jagged lines covered her body.

Ben was dead. She had accepted it now. He was dead and wasn't coming back. There were signs of it too. A couple weeks after the accident in July, a ravishing storm rolled through town, flooding the apartment since it was pretty much on ground level. Many of her belongings were ruined but worst of all most of Ben's were swept away.

A lot of his clothes were ruined which smelled like her now anyway, his vintage guitar he loved so much, even the photo albums. Worst of all... she never saw his last words to her again. The letter was gone with the last declaration of his love for her. Now she had no evidence of it or that it ever even existed.

And so, Rey took the destruction of his things as the nail in the coffin that her lover was really gone for good. Because now there was really nothing left of him. The only place he existed now was in her memories.

Rey spent her time sitting on the sofa in a sweatshirt that had only ever belonged to her just staring out the window just watching the days go by. She hardly felt anything anymore, she was zoned out most of the time, eyes empty and dead. Her voice was likely hoarse because she didn't remember the last time she used it. No one called her anymore, not even Rose. She had even pushed her away, her best friend in the world.

It was just another silent day on the calendar. More specifically, late-morning. Rey was in bed; she hadn't left it in a few days. She laid on her side, staring into the beige walls which became fuzzed in her vision when she zoned.

She didn't think about the details of Ben's disappearance anymore.. just the big picture. That he wasn't here. The fact was burned and cemented into her brain and it would be until the end of her life. There was no getting rid of the hole in her chest that was stretching day by day, and now it had consumed her entire body.

_Sleep_. She wanted sleep. That way it wouldn't hurt as bad for a little while.

Rey closed her eyes and began to drift thankfully. She started to succumb to sleep to the wonder of where Ben was. Even if he was dead.. where was he? Out buried in the woods, tossed in a lake, rotting away in a basement. Where was her Ben even if he was gone?

Of course, right when she was on the edge of unconsciousness, a sound filled the air that she hadn't heard in a while.

Her phone ringing. The cell rested on the nightstand beside the bed. She hadn't touched it in at least a couple weeks. There was no need for it with no one contacting her anymore.

She honestly didn't have the slightest clue of who it could be and yet she found herself almost curious to know who _wanted_ to call her. Unless it was a telemarketer or some shit like that who didn't have any other choice, someone was trying to get through to her.

Sighing, Rey sat up from the warm sheets beneath her and reached across to the side table to grab the phone.

She didn't pay attention to the unknown number on the screen, just pressed the green 'accept' button.

"H—hello?" She'd been correct. Her voice sounded awful but she couldn't bring herself to care too much.

"Hi!" said an overly cherry female voice. "I'm calling from the Resistance Hospital and ER for a Miss Rey Niima?"

Rey's empty stomach dropped and her cold heart stilled. Somehow she knew this regarded Ben. And it would only go one of two ways.

"Yes," she said. "This is she."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! the last chapter will be up shortly so subscribe to be notified when i post it! 
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated and keep me motivated!


	4. That’s My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey rushes to the hospital once again. Will it be better news this time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Glorification of death  
> \---  
> I apologize this took so long to update, I've been so busy lately but I always vow to not abandon any of my ongoing stories!

**SEPTEMBER 2020**   
  


Pain was never an absent element in Rey's life. She had plenty of experience with the overwhelming feeling. When her parents left, finding out her mother died shortly after that, the mess of the foster-system (which in short was abuse) and now Ben.

Paralysis and helplessness were the feelings that became Rey's life in the time that Ben had been gone, but those two words translated to a universal darkness and sea that she'd been drowning in for nine months. They overcame her so much and so strongly that life was plain misery. Practically _Hell_ would be better. So now, as Rey sped from her apartment to the hospital, she'd never felt it more.

She didn't know why exactly she was feeling this way now... perhaps due to all the pain Ben had likely gone through. Rey really wasn't in any state of mind to be driving but nothing brought her to care.

The roads were a blur ahead of her, the dotted white line slightly to her left completely faded in her vision; she barely even recalled the mostly green but some red lights she sped through. It didn't concern her because if a siren were to sound behind her calling for her to pull over, she wouldn't.

Nothing would stop her from seeing him. Not after all this time. Not after all the pain and torture she'd undergone.

Rey's hands held a deathly grip on the wheel and undeniably shook every time she had to turn it. And although she was basically drowning in one of Ben's huge crewnecks along with leggings, her body vibrated and shook violently along with her hands.

At one point she distantly heard the sound of a car horn to which she realized it was being directed at her as she rolled through a four-way stop sign. She couldn't bring herself to care for her own life right now, and she hadn't in a while. If getting Ben back for mere minutes meant she had to give up her life, she would in less than a heartbeat.

When she did think about her life, she found herself welcoming death. In times like these, while driving, if a semi were to slam into the driver's side and completely obliterate her car, she wouldn't complain and would simply accept it. After all, chances were Ben was waiting for her on the other side.

It was some miracle that Rey was snapped out of her trance at that time, because a pedestrian strolling along the crosswalk was approaching fast and Rey was going approximately 45 miles per hour.

She slammed on the breaks so hard, that her forehead almost made contact with the top of the steering wheel. As she came to an abrupt stop, she closed her eyes and prayed to God for something other than Ben being alive for the first time since she could remember.

The car was filled with nothing but Rey's heavy breaths. After a solid ten seconds, she found the courage to peel her eyelids open and was met with the man she almost hit staring at her with a deathly glare. He looked to be a businessman, dressed in a clean suit and also in the middle of a phone call. He obviously had no trouble financially.

_Damn rich folks._

When Rey made no move, too out of it to comprehend what happened clearly, he simply flipped her off, shouting a few curses and finished crossing the street. He held his phone back up to his ear again.

If the man knew all of the shit Rey had been through in her life and where she was headed, he maybe _just maybe_ would have given her the time of day to apologize and shown a slightly less-rude gesture.

Rey huffed and lowered her head to rest against the steering wheel, allowing a few stray tears to drop onto the cheap leather. She willed her breathing to slow, but the command didn't cooperate with her.

She didn't know how long she'd been resting against the wheel, but when another vehicle honked from behind her signifying she had been for a while, Rey shot her head up and pressed the gas lightly again.

It was time to face reality.

———

After what felt like forever, Rey steered into the hospital parking lot and absentmindedly pulled into a spot near the entrance. After practically yanking the keys from the ignition, she jumped out of the car not even taking the second to made she locked the car or even _shut the doo_ r for that matter.

She reached the revolving-door entrance in practically no time but found herself to be _extremely_ impatient with the slow movement of the circular pathway. When Rey got out, she sprinted the fastest she ever had in her life to the main lobby and receptionist area. Once again did Rey not bother to realize how fast she was running and how little air was getting access to her lungs.

Like a hurricane, Rey stormed her way down the pretty peaceful and quiet hallways save for the chatter of the doctors. As soon as they spotted the mad woman running towards them, they ducked out of the way and watched her leave the damage of fallen papers from bulletin boards behind.

Finally making it to reception, Rey saw an opening and all but slammed her hands down onto the desk, flustering the older woman who looked more like a doctor than a secretary with her white coat spelling _Dr. Maz Kanata, MD_. Not wanting to waste time and frankly not really caring who she was speaking to, Rey asked the question she'd been longing to say for months.

"Hi, yeah - excuse me, I'm here for _Benjamin Solo_ \- he- he's supposed to be here right-right now?" Rey stuttered over her words trying to catch her breath and steady her blurring vision.

The woman behind the desk squinted. "Ah, you must be Rey, the wife. I'm Dr. Kanata," she rose to shake Rey's trembling hand. She noticed the mistake of being Ben's wife but didn't mention it. "I'm actually one of Ben's surgeons, just checking when operation is set to begin and it looks like..." She narrowed her eyes at the computer screen, "..he's being prepped now." Rey's heart froze in her chest. She had no idea it was bad enough to require surgery. Her breaths became heavier even though she was no longer running.

"S-surgery?"

"Yes, I have to get back there shortly but if you'd like I can explain to you what happened" the short woman replied before pausing. "Perhaps you'd like to sit over there for a moment," she gestured towards the waiting area.

"Oh, okay," Rey murmured and allowed herself to be guided to a cushioned seat. Dr. Kanata sat across from her. Deep silence filled the space between them and none of it felt real to Rey.

_How did I end up here?_

_Why am I here?_

_How did it come to this?_

The words she heard were an echo.

_"Ben has severe bruising followed by a tibial fracture and GSW to the shoulder. He did unfortunately lose a significant amount of blood in his escape, yet somehow was able to make it out just barely conscious. He arrived here and was..."_

The doctor's words became blurred lines. Her senses were slowly but surely failing her.

_Escape?_

_What happened to him?_

_Was he going to die?_

_I need him._

And then all at once, Rey snapped and jumped from her chair.

"I need to see him. Where is he?"

Dr. Kanata stood and tilted her head up to meet Rey's eyes.

"Dear, I'm afraid you cannot see him now. He's in good hands but also in critical condition." Rey tried to move past the doctor, but the short woman halted her. "If you want him to be okay, we need you to allow our doctors to do their jobs. They will do everything they can but right now, we need you to _wait_."

The moral thing to do was to simply agree and place herself back into the seat in the waiting area but Rey wasn't functioning properly. Also, it was then that she comprehended that Ben was in the same building as her. The universe had separated them for nine months, and now they were on the same premises. Nothing would stop her from getting to him now.

"Please... _please_ , I need to.. I need to see him." She pushed against Dr. Kanata's hand that was on her arm lightly.

_How did it come to this?_

Rey distantly felt the searing hot tears dropping heavily from her cheeks to the floor like magma. Her body was heated... overly heated.

"I have to do this.. _I need him, please_..." Dr. Kanata was speaking but Rey wasn't registering the words at all anymore. If she had to guess, she would say that the woman was asking if she was okay but there was no accurate guess that Rey could make.

Her legs were wobbling and her sense of hearing turned to an extremely high-pitched ringing. Her blurry vision slowly faded to complete whiteness...

What hard thing did her body just hit?

And then... black.

_How did it come to this?_

———

Different.

Something was different.

As Rey slowly woke, her conscious picked up on the fact that she was _not_ in fact home and _not_ in her own bed. The different smell and brightness of light supported the theory.

A faint ringing still lingered in in her ears but when she opened her eyes, she could see clearly again. The bright white light of the hospital ceiling greeted her and Rey instantly came to terms on why she was here.

Hospital.

Fainted.

_Ben._

Audibly gasping, Rey tried to sit up but tubes and a few IVs stopped her from doing so. At the same time, a nurse walked in and she jumped slightly when she saw Rey was awake with wide and confused eyes.

"Oh, Miss Niima!" This one knew that they weren't married. "You're awake! How are you feeling, any dizziness or blurry vis-" The nurse was cut off by Rey detaching herself from all of the wires and whatnot. It was then that Rey realized she was dressed in an oversized hospital gown with tiny daisies between centimeters of space. She was standing now.

The nurse rushed over to her and held out her arms for Rey to lie back down. "Ma'am you were severely dehydrated and malnourished. You need to remain here for the time being-"

"What I _need_ is to see my soon-to-be husband after being gone for almost a year. You won't argue with that, will you?" Rey felt a little bad for yelling at the nurse who really did nothing wrong, but getting to Ben was her number one priority. It was him over everything else.

"No ma'am, but may I highly suggest that-"

"Rey?"

The nurse paused and Rey looked up to see Dr. Kanata standing in the doorway. After a few moment of silence, the doctor came further into the room. "I can take it from here," she gestured for the nurse to leave who nodded her head before shutting the door behind her.

When they were finally alone, the piece of information that Dr. Kanata worked on Ben came back to her. Meaning he was either out of surgery or he was-

No.

He wasn't.

He _couldn't_ be.

Surely if he was, she would feel a dark gaping hole in her chest.

"How long have I been out?" Rey said more to the floor than the doctor.

Dr. Kanata checked her watch, "About 6 hours."

Deafening silence.

"Is it done?" Rey whispered before she could stop herself but still slightly hoping that Dr. Kanata hadn't heard her."

"Yes."

Rey trembled a little more as she met the doctor's eyes. Her nerves were going out of control, threatening to burst from her body all at once.

The two women stared at each other and Rey's eyes spoke the question. She couldn't bring herself to ask due to horrifying answers and Dr. Kanata seemed to pick up on this, so she answered Rey's unspoken words in a monotone voice.

"Ben's surgery was successful. We were able to remove the bullet that was lodged in his shoulder as well as clearing up some mild internal bleeding. Actually, I believe he woke from it about thirty minutes ago. He's resting now, if you'd like to see him."

Rey began to shake, her heart thumping so violently that she was sure she'd have a heart attack and die. Tears covered her face all of the sudden at the immediate relief that flooded her body. She entered the hospital in a hurricane, but it was fizzling out now. The past nine months she had been stranded and drowning, but now she was approaching land.

The words that Dr. Kanata had just spoken were ones that Rey never believed she'd be blessed enough to hear.

_If you'd like to see him._

"I can- I can see him?"

Dr. Kanata gave her a comforting smile and followed with a nod. "He's still in a good amount of pain so just be mindful of that. If you'd like to follow me I can bring you to-" As the doctor turned to exit the room, Rey stopped her.

"Wait! Uh, do you think that.." The doctor rose a brow, "..that I could go by myself maybe? It's just.. it's been so long and I- I might need a few.. or might need some time-"

"Sure. I understand." Dr. Kanata's voice spoke over her stuttering ones. "You're gonna take the elevator to the fourth floor and go right to the end of the hall. He's in room 4037. I'll be up there in a little while to check on him but for the time being I'll make sure you two are alone. If you need anything or he needs assistance, just press the blue call button by the bed. You got it?"

Rey only nodded, her brain solely focused on how close she was to seeing Ben. Making her way towards the door, Dr. Kanata remained in the middle of the room. Just as Rey was reaching for the handle, she turned to the surgeon once more.

"Can I ask... how is he here? Where'd he come from?"

Dr. Kanata turned to face her with the slightest grin on her face that one probably wouldn't even know it was there.

"I think that's something you may want to hear from him, dear."

With that, Rey bobbed her head once more, thanking the doctor and left the room in search of Ben. Only this time, she was _truly_ going to find him.

It was safe to say that only Rey's subconscious was guiding her through Dr. Kanata's directions to Ben's room. The front of her mind was somewhere else, preparing itself for the truth that she was about to reunite with her loved one. There was the smallest piece of her that feared he wouldn't want anything to do with her after all this time and that wherever he was had changed him. But she knew her Ben, and if he was still intact, she was almost positive he would respond to her.

Rey stared at her worn white converse and focused on putting on foot in front of the other. Her ears were ringing and the butterflies in her stomach intensified as she reached the elevator. She pressed the 'up' arrow with a shaking hand and when the button lit up followed by the door sliding open, she was beyond thankful that nobody else would accompany her on the ride up.

_This is real?_

She only traveled two floors so the ride was quite short. Her breaths were heavy after she exited the elevator as she walked down the hallway to the right, eyes frantically searching for his room number.

_4025..._

_4029..._

_4033..._

4037.

There was no way she would remember any of this later on. Rey felt like all of her insides were seconds away from coming up her throat and tumbling out of her mouth onto the shiny white floors.

The blinds to his room were closed but the door was very slightly ajar. It was cracked, so Rey couldn't really see in.

It was strange to think.. crazy really... that he was on the other side of the door. Rey should've busted down the door the second she laid eyes on it. 

_This is real?_

She should've run straight into his arms as soon as she woke up not twenty minutes ago. But she didn't. After all this time, after all of the sobs and screams that tore her throat apart, after the cuts and blood that stained her skin, after the misery she was put through because of his disappearance... she hesitated at the door. She never imagined she would; when she prayed to God for him to come home she said to herself that if he showed up at the door that she would jump into his arms and never let go. She wasn't living up to that promise now.

It wasn't that she didn't want to see him or want him back. No, that wasn't it at all. Rey was _overwhelmed_ with his return. So much so, that she needed a minute to process that her Ben was here. He was _truly_ here and waiting to see her.

The thought that Ben was likely as miserable (or more) in their time apart and longed for her was the nail in the coffin that Rey needed to approach the door and slowly push it all the way open. Immediately she caught a whiff of a scent. So distant, yet so familiar and-

Her legs shook, bottom lip quivered. She nearly collapsed.

Because for the first time in nine months, she laid eyes on the love of her life.

_This is real._

He didn't face her though, his head was turned towards the wall opposite of the door but the sight was enough to make the tears return faster than ever. Her eyes raked over his long body (oh how she missed admiring him) and trailed up to his still raven colored hair.

He looked like shit to be nice, she could tell even from her narrow view of him. And yet, he was still the most beautiful man she'd ever set her gaze upon.

A cast covered his right leg and a large bandage covered the gunshot wound in his right shoulder. She couldn't see his face yet, but several parts of his body were bruised with purple and blue splotches. Rey's heart immediately shattered into a trillion pieces at the sight before her.

His hair was still about shoulder-length, perhaps slightly shorter. Wherever he was, he kept it cut or someone else did for him. Rey wanted nothing more than to curl up beside him and rake her fingers through his wavy and soft locks.

Out of nowhere, a deep monotone voice filled the air:

"Do you think you come back in a little bit, Doc? I feel like I might actually get some sleep for once."

Her body trembled a little more violently. The voice of Ben that she had remembered was slightly different than his real one. Hearing it again was like all of the oxygen in the world was replaced with new, fresher air. And Rey could finally breathe so much easier again.

When Rey didn't answer his question, Ben turned his head to face her. Rey watched as his eyes turned from a plain expression to one of elation and pure love. Tears filled them as well, spilling over after a few seconds of simply looking at her. His mouth opened and reclosed, seemingly speechless. The only thing he got out was a cracked and teary "Rey?"

That was all her body needed for Rey to fall to her knees and hunch over, sobbing into her hands as her forehead rested on the cold floor. She couldn't will herself to move even though her mind was screaming for her to go to him, to touch him.

Rey distantly heard his calming words over her scorching sobs, "Rey, sweetheart, angel. Please come here."

_"I need you."_

Not long after his gentle words did her legs decide to function again, as she shakily picked herself up off the floor and met Ben's eyes once again. A spark immediately traveled through her body as they bored their gazes into each other. Rey shivered and finally gave into the promise she told God every night Ben was gone.

As Ben held out only one arm due to the gunshot wound, Rey dashed towards him and demolished the feet that separated them. She wrapped her arms around his neck and head, half-sitting on the bed with one knee folded on it. Rey out a strangled sob while cradling him in her arms when she felt one (still) strong arm wrap around her backside.

His touch made it all the better, having been devoid of it for so long. A fire ignited at their union, burning down the feelings of misery and loneliness they had each gone through.

The tears flowed from Rey's eyes onto Ben's head, dampening his hair which she continuously stroked and kissed. His face was burrowed into her shoulder and Rey felt his tears staining the thin hospital gown; she welcomed it. In all the years she'd known him, she only saw him shed a tear once or twice. This was a new experience for her as they held each other and cried tears of relief and love into the other's skin.

Rey kissed the crown of his head which was completely flooded of her tears. _"I love you,_ " she murmured against his hair.

Ben pulled back, his face wet with tear tracks and stains, eyes bloodshot but lips forming a pure smile. "I love you too.. _so much_.." he replied.

Rey smiled for the first time in as long as she could remember. She brought her hands down to his face, gently caressing his cheeks as her thumbs wiped away his tears. Neither of them knew who ignited it... perhaps it had been both of them, but no more than three seconds later their lips were sealed in a tight, compressed and passionate kiss.

Ben grasped the fabric on her shoulder, as if to confirm that this was real and she was there with him. His taste immediately felt familiar to Rey and _oh_ , how she missed it. The sweet, delicious taste of Ben.

He pulled back all too soon, his hand still bunched up in her clothing. His eyes were wild and the elated expression had faded. Now he only showed mere concern.

"What's this?" It took Rey a moment to figure out what he meant, but when he tugged on her a little, she realized he was referring to the hospital gown. "Why are you wearing this? Did something happen-"

Rey interrupted him with a shush, placing a delicate finger vertically on his lips. "I was just dehydrated and stuff, nothing to worry about. When I found out you were here.. it was obviously kind of a shock so.... I guess that's why.." she trailed off, not really making sense and Ben's worried expression grew even more.

The next three words that left his mouth made Rey want to burst out laughing and sob at the same time, so she settled for a simplistic answer when he asked:

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she replied quietly, looking at where they held hands. "They filled me with meds and fluids so I should be good. But why are you asking about me? Ben, look at you-"

"That's not what I'm talking about, Rey."

Her face stiffened. Ben wasn't dumb and neither was she. He wasn't asking how she was in that current moment, but rather how she got by without him. Rey zoned, and all of the memories came rushing back.

Rey lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours on end because she didn't know what to do with herself.

Rey sitting in a heap on the bathroom tile floor while blood streamed down her arm.

Rey screaming into her pillow only wishing to see Ben or hear his voice one more time.

Rey constantly wondering how the world could be so damn cruel.

Obviously, in short, Rey was not okay. She looked up at Ben once again and saw that he wasn't looking at her, but staring at _something_ quite intently. Before she could even think of any words to express how miserable she'd been, her eyes followed his gaze to...

Her forearm.

Rey didn't need to answer his question regarding if she was okay or not. Ben had all of the answers now that he saw how the situation truly impacted her. White lines scarred her wrists, covering a vast area of skin, serving as a reminder of her weakness and level of pain she was in while Ben was gone. The scars and lines blurred as tears filled Rey's eyes. She was too petrified to look at Ben. Would he be angry with her? Disappointed? Would he not love her anymore?

But not a moment later when she felt a touch, so soft and delicate on her forearm that she wouldn't guess was him if they weren't the only ones in the room, she wiped her eyes with her free arm and looked at Ben whose gaze was already set upon her. His hand was wrapped around her tiny wrist, thumb brushing over some of the healed cuts.

 _"Oh Rey,"_ Ben whispered, causing the tears in both of their eyes to spill over in perfect harmony. Her breath was shaky and she let out a quiet sob when Ben began to speak broken words:

" _I'm so sorry_ _baby_. I'm so sorry for leaving you alone." His voice cracked on the last word. Ben's eyes were red-rimmed, cheeks flushed pink with wet trails lining them.

The image of them was heartbreaking. A couple who believed themselves to be soulmates due to their ridiculous compatibility, both utterly devastated, not for their own poor physical or mental state but for their lover's agony that they were forced to face alone.

Still kneeling on the bed, Rey leaned forward to press a chaste kiss to Ben's forehead. "Don't be sorry, please. I know that if you could've, you would have come back to me sooner." Her words led them into a deep silence, with the unspoken question lingering in the air, waiting to be asked.

"Ben... what—what happened?" His face showed that he knew the question would be coming up, but the hurt didn't fade from his expression. Rey squeezed his hand in comfort, silently making him aware of her compassion for him.

He swallowed, trying to fight back the tears but failed, endless streaks of wetness still costing his face. With a shaky breath he told her, "I-It was _Snoke."_

Rey's eyes widened and a pit of anger and protectiveness was born inside of her.

"He _took_ me, held me _captive,_ all so his company could _thrive."_ He paused to let out a quiet sob and Rey immediately grabbed the back of his head to pull him to her chest, tucking him under her chin as she stroked his hair. "Can you believe it?" Ben whimpered. "All of this was for _business.."_ He trailed off and Rey felt his tears stain the shoulder of her hospital gown. She didn't press further, knowing he had undergone a traumatic escape and experience.

There were no words to describe how enraged Rey was. To say she was livid was a complete understatement. She was pretty sure she was shaking with rage, wanting nothing more than to get her hands on Snoke for hurting Ben and in turn, her as well. But mostly Ben... she cared about him more than she ever could for herself.

When Rey didn't respond to his confession, Ben pulled back slightly and looked up at her with pained eyes. Noticing this, Rey shushed him and pressed a kiss to the crown of his head, rocking back and forth ever so gently.

After several minutes when Ben calmed a little, he pulled back completely from Rey and let go of her hand to wipe his face but immediately searched for her grasp after he was done. Then he spoke quietly, filling the silence, "It took forever for me to map out the place. I think I was in some.. underground bunker in his main building. After _several_ attempts trying to escape, I just.. found the right time I guess. That didn't stop his guards from beating me up though," he said, referring to the gunshot and cast on his leg. "The thought that you were home and waiting for me was the only thing that kept me going every day."

Rey smiled sadly and grasped his cheeks, pulling him into another kiss, never tiring of his taste. "The idea of you coming home to me is what kept me alive," mumbled Rey. When they pulled away from each other, Ben had a rather serious look on his face. One she'd never seen before.

"Rey," he said shakily, clearing his throat before trying again. "Rey, _please..._ please promise me you won't hurt yourself anymore. Okay?" His voice completely crumbled on the last word and a silent tear escaped his left eye. He glanced down to her arm for a split second. "Please promise me..." he whispered.

The pain in his voice formed a guilt in Rey like she'd never felt before, tearing her up from the insides and shoving the tears out of her eyes. She barely even noticed that the front of her gown was stained with the mixture of her and Ben's tears. 

She took his hand and squeezed it tight. "I promise. I promise, Ben."

He let out a heavy sigh of relief and let go of her hand to grasp her wrist since he only had one good arm at the moment. He brought her forearm to his face and trailed kisses up and back down where the scars were.

Something caught Ben's eye on her other hand, because he let go of her right one which he laid kisses upon and inspected the other. Following his gaze, Rey realized he was studying her engagement ring which she had never taken off once in the time he'd been gone.

He took her hand and ran a thumb over the circular stone. "Mine's in my jacket pocket because it zips. I didn't want to lose it or risk the chance of Snoke seeing it and taking it from me. It was like I had a small piece of you and my outside life with me..." he trailed off before speaking again, "You kept it on?" he said. Rey swallowed. "Yeah. I never had the heart to take it off and besides, I felt like putting it in some memory box would've seemed like I was giving up on you." They held hands once more before Rey continued:

"You know I would wait forever for you, right?" she said looking deep into his eyes. His lips parted and all of the sudden pulled her into a soul-crushing hug with only one arm wrapped around her. "I know, starlight..."

"I would too."  
  


**OCTOBER 2020**   
  


It wasn't until about two weeks later that Rey brought Ben home. The whole questioning process along with Ben simply healing took a while, Rey worrying the whole way. Snoke had been found and arrested not long after their reunion, soothing a majority of Rey's fears.

It was deemed that he would be okay, but that didn't stop the nightmares from going to to Rey's head as she slept beside Ben in the hospital. Countless times Rey had woken crammed in the tiny hospital bed with Ben, gasping for air and sweating profusely. She saw vivid images of Ben being locked in a basement being tortured, his screams so piercing she swore they were real. Of course every time Ben would comfort her as she cried, feeling guilty because _she_ should be the one comforting _him_ after what he'd gone through. And who was to say that the events in her dreams weren't real at one time?

Rey insisted on multiple points that she sleep in the chair beside his bed, wanting him to be as comfortable as he could but Ben wanted her close, and that was how they ended up squeezed together on the tiny mattress with Rey trying her best not to put any pressure on him where it hurt.

Ben was still skinnier than he was the year before, but she would cook all of the best things for him when they got out of the hospital.

When he was finally cleared to be taken home, Rey drove him back to their apartment and when they stepped inside, Rey broke down. It had been so long since Ben's presence was in their home and now the sense was overwhelming. But Ben murmured nothing but sweet phrases as they walked each other to their bedroom. Rey helped climbed into the duvet since he was on crutches for his leg.

The feeling of having him next to her in bed soothed her beyond anything else in the world could. He laid on his back with Rey snuggled up against his healthy shoulder, breathing in his scent that she had been deprived of for so long. A strong arm wrapped around her backside, keeping her attached to him.

"I still wonder if this is even real. If you're really here..." Rey mumbled against his shirt not really knowing if he was awake. But when she felt slight movement from under her and a chaste kiss placed on her forehead, her wonders were answered. "It's real, darling. I'm here. I'm here and I'm never leaving you again," he said and pulled her closer to him.

A silent tear of pure content rolled down Rey's cheek as she fell asleep with a smile on her face. She had a feeling Ben did too.   
  


**NOVEMBER 2020**   
  


" _God... Ben that feels so good.."_ Rey had woken to the calloused fingers of Ben trailing lightly down her abdomen and eventually slipping below the waistband of her sweatpants.

The couple adjusted back to fairly normal life over the course of a few weeks after Ben's return home. His gun shot wound wasn't as painful at all anymore, but he was still in a boot.

Their relationship was even stronger than before, now with more protectiveness and never taking the other for granted. They hadn't had sex yet since before he went missing, but Rey had a feeling that was about to change.

Ben ran his fingers up and along her folds before placing one finger on her clit, rubbing her in deep circles making Rey throw her head back in pleasure. All at once, he removed the pressure and slipped his finger from her sweatpants making Rey cry out. He brought his finger up to his mouth and wrapped his lips around it, sucking all of her juices off. "You still taste so sweet... so sweet for me." His words almost made Rey cum on the spot.

"Please Ben.. stop teasing me.." Rey pleaded.

He responded by looking at her deep in the eye, "Tell me what you want, princess. What do you need?"

Their breaths both came in shallow pants and that only extended when Rey said confidently:

"I want you to fuck me."

To her surprise, Ben complied immediately, not taking a second to think about it like Rey thought he would. As soon as he moved to get on top of her he winced, and Rey realized his foot was probably under too much pressure.

"Here let me..." Rey trailed and gently pushed Ben down so he rested on his back. Quickly, Rey shredded herself of her clothes with Ben removing his shirt. His skin shined under the low lights and Rey wanted to taste every inch of him, to circle every mole and freckle with her tongue.

She swung one leg over him so she was now straddling him, putting herself on top. A wild look sprouted in Ben's eyes, one she hadn't seen in a while. Her Ben was soft around her, kind and gentle. But when they fucked it was intense and he went dark.

His hands gripped her waist as Rey reached into his sweatpants to free his cock, already hard and ready for her. She began to stroke him, making him groan and want her even more which he didn't believe was possible.

"Shit Rey, you're gonna make me cum." Now that wouldn't do. Rey wanted the first time he came to be inside her, having been devoid of that feeling for so long.

She stood on her knees a little higher, allowing her to line up his member with her entrance before sinking down to the hilt all in one movement. This caused the both of them to drop their jaw in a groan, taking a moment for Rey's eyes to focus again.

"Is this okay?"

Ben peeled his eyes open which he didn't even know were closed and gazed into the eyes of this woman... this woman who was the entire world to him. None of it mattered if she wasn't by his side.

"Perfect," he mumbled, not only talking about their physical pleasure at the moment.

She began to ride his dick, starting off with slow, deep strokes but soon moving to bouncing up and down at a rapid pace. Neither of them held back any sounds, the two of them not caring in the slightest if the whole apartment complex could hear them. 

Ben fucked up into her after being starved of doing so for so long and was terrified when he felt tears in his eyes. He didn't want to remove his hands from her skin, so he simply prayed that one wouldn't slip, but was denied his wish when a silent tear fell down his face. 

Rey's head was thrown back so she didn't notice at first, but when she took a double-take and saw his blushed cheeks, she slowed her pace and brought her hands up to cup his face. "It's alright. It's all okay baby, I'm here... _I'm here."_ Her words only made more tears form in Ben's eyes but now he didn't hold back, allowing himself to sob lightly as they performed their intimate acts.

In time, when Ben was fully healed and both of them were closer to healing from their experience, they would fuck like they used to with Ben being completely dominant and whispering in her ear all the things he would do to her but right now, all they wanted was to be meshed with the other and so that's exactly what they were doing. 

They reached their climax together and came while establishing a deathly grip on the other, his seed claiming her once again meanwhile chanting how much they loved each other. Rey was beyond glad she could say it to his face now instead of whispering it miserably into an empty room devoid of him.

When their breathing slowed, Rey collapsed on the bed next to him and snuggled into his side, her head resting on his chest as he played with her hair absently. The feeling of skin-on-skin gave her butterflies still.

This was all she ever wanted. There was nothing else in the world Rey could ask for that would make her feel more content than she did in this man's arms. She knew him better than she knew herself, and she supposed that's what love was. And everyday for the rest of her life she would thank the stars that they guided him back home to her. 

"What now?" Rey yawned as they were both beginning to doze. 

She could practically _hear_ his smirk as he looked down at her resting on his torso, her bright eyes meeting his gaze. "What, are you bored of me already?" He laughed, still twirling her hair between his fingers.

"No," Rey said drawing out the _o_ defensively, but still with playfulness in her tone. "I just.. I really kind of thought you weren't coming back... I was planning on spending however long I had left waiting for you and now that you're here I just- what happens next, you know?" She wasn't sure if she was making any sense but Ben only smiled lovingly and brought her hand up to his lips, kissing her fingers one by one until he reached her ring finger. Her engagement ring glistened in the dim light as he held her hand up before gazing back down at the love of his life.

"Next, we get married."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh, that's the end of Where's My Love! My first completed work! (Even though it was only 4 chapters and took me was longer to write it than it should have but oh well)
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading, I cannot express my love for you all.
> 
> Be sure to check out my other (and longer) Reylo fic, Not What You Wanted, which I'll be focused on now for the time being. After that, I'll be working on some Kylo x Reader fics so stay tuned and subscribe to me to be notified when those drop and/or are updated.
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading! Love you all <333


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